What depression feels like to me

Depression is different for everyone.

For me, it feels like a lot of different things. Sometimes it’s sadness, sometimes anger, and sometimes it’s numbness.

One thing is always true: I never feel like myself. 

I feel like my true-self goes on vacation and is somewhere in another dimension having a blast. I’m stuck with my body and my brain and functioning organs but I’m somehow missing from the picture. 

It sucks because it normally happens at the worst possible time when I absolutely need myself. Stressed out? Depression hits. Deadlines? Depression. Break-up? Depressed, for sure.

The type of depression that I have is also sprinkled with some anxiety for extra flavor.

Sometimes, when I’m out in public, I feel like I’m not really there. I know I’m physically there but if someone tries to talk to me, I get upset. Why are you talking to me? I’m not even here. Don’t you realize this just a shell of who I really am? Why would you talk to this person? She’s not even real. 

Anger is a common manifestation for many men who suffer from depression. It’s also there for me as well though.

Mostly the anger is at other humans for being completely inept. Slow to put your creamer in your coffee at the cafe? Rage. Don’t know to drive? Double rage. Inconvenience me in a minor but annoying way? I’m surprised you lived to tell the tale.

Most of the time it’s numbing. It feels like the manifestation of not giving a fuck. As in, the complete inability to care about anything in my reality. It’s a messy house for months that I can’t even get started cleaning. It’s a car so dirty that some plebe writes “Jesus loves you” with his finger on my rear windshield. It’s not doing laundry and neglecting my appearance. It’s a complete disregard for social norms.

The worst part is that you can’t even pull yourself out of it. Why? Because you’re not even there.

The only way that I’ve ever been able to pull myself out this state is by finding myself again.

I can find the real me in places that she’d likely hang out. For me, that’s the gym, an underground party, traveling in some foreign land, or sometimes just hanging out with close friends or family.

When I can’t find myself in any of the usual places, it gets tough. This means that I’m somewhere new so I can have to different things in order to come across the real me. It’s difficult to motivate because the real Heidi is usually the one that’s getting me to do the cool things to begin with. Usually at this point, I’ll recruit a friend or family member to help me find myself.

They say that connection is the opposite of depression. It’s true for me. When I’m deep in a depressive state, I call upon people that I love to help. In fact, I need them. They remind me of who I really am and I’ll start pulling my true-self back into this dimension so I can continue the experience of life.

If you’re depressed, reach out to someone. If you’re suicidal, call 1-800-273-8255 right away and speak to someone. Just remember that you’re not alone. Sadly, the modern world is plagued with mental illness. The more we can talk about it, the more we will be able to get through together. You can contact me directly if you need someone to talk to that understands. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to respond but I will do my best. I care about you. You’re loved and appreciated and you are not broken.

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